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Computers have always been an escape for me.

When computers have issues it is my fault, I made a mistake. There is no human element: I have complete control, in contrast to many painful events in my life. The computer is not being malicious or judgemental, the computer cannot traumatize me. It just takes an instruction and executes it.

I think, on an emotional level, that is why I cling so much to libre software. My computer is the one thing I have control over. Don't take that from me.

@polarisfm ah, congrats on uh, describing the past n years of my life

trans stuff and dysphoria 

@polarisfm well, that and being able to dissociate from what puberty was doing to my body by programming basically all the time

"i can just exist on the internet genderlessly, and how does my body matter anyway?" --> oh no oh no shit alarm

@polarisfm
I made a discovery today. I found a computer. Wait a second. this is cool, it does what I want it to. If it maes a mistake, it's because I screwed it u. Not because it doesn't like me
Or feels threatened by me
Or thinks i'm a smart ass
Or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be there

@polarisfm Is it sad that this toot is so on point that it made me tear up?

@StevenSaus Not at all, I was very emotional (and a little teary eyed) while writing it.

@polarisfm I agree, mostly, but almost all of the software running on my machine is written by someone else. If something doesn't work, even if I can fix it, it's someone else's fault affecting me, which will take me a significant amount of time to fix if I try to do so myself.

@polarisfm I feel much the same. Sometimes I realize I've been obsessing over tiny details of configuration for hours and wonder how I manage to let go of control with other people... maybe it's toxic to care so much about my setup being perfect, but I shudder at the alternative

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